Love Romance

Note: This is the first of a two-part series. Dear Neil:  I am in my late 70’s and have been married 45 years.  My wife and I have raised three children, have helped raised four grandchildren, went bankrupt, grew a successful business, and paid off our house.  We have endured births, stillbirths, financial setbacks, an affair, life-threatening illnesses and deaths of people important to us—and through all of that we have maintained a strong commitment to each other. But I don’t feel we’re close.  We rarely talk about how we feel, about what pains us, about regrets, about sadness, about how we feel regarding growing older, about our fears and about what we want from our remaining years. We are still sexually intimate, but we’re not close.  Our lives together have long since become a collection of roles, chores, duties and routines.  But once upon a time we were wild about each other and we had the closeness I long for. Is there anything we can stil...

Dear Brown:  My relationship with my boyfriend of almost two years has been wonderful. We moved to Colorado from the East Coast, and he started a new job and went back to school, both about three weeks ago. Since then, everything has changed.  He went from being a sweet loving and compassionate person, to someone who barely talks to me when he gets home.  He no longer calls me during the day, is no longer intimate and doesn’t even respond when I tell him that I love him.  He no longer does anything around the house, has been cold and short with me, and has acknowledged that he has put our relationship on the back burner.  What can be done to salvage our relationship?  Will time fix it? Put On The Back Burner in Boulder, Colorado Dear Put On The Back Burner:  Your boyfriend may be under a lot of stress with all the recent changes you’ve described, but it’s unclear to me that stress alone is responsible for him turning cold to you and my instinct...

Dear Brown: I’m completely lost about a 10 year relationship. We started dating when I was 28 (at the time he was 37 and working as a surgeon). A month later, he wanted me to move in with him. But one day, when I surprised him with a visit, I learned he had another woman in his life. So I cut off all contact. Four years later, we hooked up again, and once more I discovered another woman, and I broke off the relationship. But we reunited, and—you guessed it—the same thing has happened all over again. Since the beginning, he talked about marriage and kids. Now I am 38, and neither of us are married. How can I get over this relationship? It’s still hurting me, and I don’t want to end up alone. Burned All Over Again Dear Burned: First, you have to decide once and for all that he is bad news for you, and you have to hold yourself accountable for not being enticed back into a relationship with him. Nothing is going to change if you are unable to do that. And the pattern you describe...

Dear Brown:  My boyfriend of seven months said when we met said he was a doctor.  My mother decided to see on-line where he went to school. She never found him.  So she did a background report to make sure I was safe, and lo and behold, there was no information on his job, but we discovered that he is married.  I confronted him about that.  He said he is in a nasty divorce and it’s almost over.  He said he didn’t tell me because he didn’t see the point.  Two months later he tells me he isn’t a doctor and he never went to West Point like he said he had when we first dated.  He now tells me that he will lie to me for the rest of my life because he can’t tell me what he does for a living (classified).  What do I do? I would love to know why he lies. Confounded in Colorado Dear Confounded:  The problem with being in a relationship with a liar is that you never know when you are being told the truth.  Is he being truthful about ...

Some months ago I printed in this space a list of ways to tell if your mate is being unfaithful to you.  Here are some additional telltale signs of possible infidelity not covered in my previous column: Source: Cheaters by Raymond Green (New Horizon Press) Your mate often comes home late, is frequently having vehicle troubles or has frequent unexplained absences. Your mate turns off his cell phone or pager—or doesn’t answer it—whenever you are around. You receive hang-up telephone calls on a regular basis, or an unusually large number of calls that are wrong numbers. Your mate won’t listen to his/her telephone messages when you can also hear them, and if you live separately, your mate’s telephone is off limits for you to answer. When talking on the telephone, your mate walks away from you, leaves the room, whispers, gives short yes-or-no type answers or abruptly changes the topic of conversation when you enter the room. Your mate has occasional special nights out w...

Dear Brown:  I am 28 years-old, and my two-year relationship with my boyfriend is the first serious relationship I have been in.  Our first six months together were amazing and totally blissful.  I was the first to say “I love you.”  After six months, I got extremely anxious and scared because I didn’t know how I felt.  I love this man, but the thought of forever freaks me out, and I don’t know why. We have a great foundation, tons in common, same religion, families get along great, friends get along great, we have fun together and we respect each other.  We are at the point where we are either going to move forward or we’re not.  But I’m just not sure, and still don’t have the “feelings” I always thought I would have when I was ready to marry someone.  I talk to him about everything and tell him my fears, and he is very patient with me and respects my feelings.  I don’t know why I am so freaked out.  I can’t imagine living without...

Dear Brown: As soon as my girlfriend and I got in bed last night, she was on her phone for over an hour. I was trying to be affectionate. “In a minute. I’m on Snapchat.” Then it was “I’m on Facebook.” In the end, I rolled over and went to sleep. I feel like I’m the other man in this relationship between her and her phone. Spurned in the UK Dear Neil: Recently my girlfriend has been saying she is too tired to watch a movie, play a game or go out. But that doesn’t stop her from reading other people’s posts on Facebook, even after I come to bed. So last week I said she would have to surrender her phone for the night if she wanted to spend the night with me. She agreed and this was great for 3 nights. We talked, played board games and were intimate. I commented on how great it was to not be neglected and for us to actually be involved as a couple. Then yesterday she became frantic searching for her cell. Opening drawers and dislodging things. When I gave her the phone, she grabbe...

Dear Brown:  I feel like I am living in a soap opera.  My girlfriend and I have lived together for the past six months.  In that period of time, she has gotten pregnant, aborted, lost her job (she was accused of dressing inappropriately), threatened suicide, left me, came back, got in a car wreck and has had a breakdown. She calls me 20 or 30 times a day at work, and is frequently in some sort of crisis about something or another. I love this woman, but she is driving me crazy, and I am unsure I can be with her forever like this.  Help.  What do I do? On A Rollercoaster in Ontario Dear Ontario:  It sounds like you’re living with a drama queen.  Drama queens (and kings): Technically called Histrionic Personality Disorder, drama kings and queens may be surprisingly out of touch with their inner feelings, act demanding, self-centered and emotionally needy, and crave novelty, stimulation and excitement. Although it’s not easy to alter these p...

Dear Brown: What can you tell me about people who are “control freaks,” those people who need to control their children and their partners? Wellington, New Zealand Dear Wellington: There are two kinds of power. The first is POWER OVER. The other is PERSONAL POWER. POWER OVER shows up as control and dominance: someone expects to get what he or she wants through the use of power over another. POWER OVER closes the door to true communication and intimacy, according to Patricia Evans in the book The Verbally Abusive  Relationship (Bob Adams, Inc., 1992). Intimacy in a relationship requires mutuality. Mutuality requires good will, openness, a willingness to share one’s self, and a willingness to share decision making and how resources (time, money, etc.) are used. Mutuality is a respectfulness for one another based on the belief that each individual is an equal partner in the relationship. Any act that involves controlling or dominating a partner, or that disregards consider...

Dear Brown: Could you address how to rebuild trust after an affair? Reader From New Zealand Dear New Zealand: What we actually mean when we say “I need to be able to trust you again” is really “I need to feel safe around you again.” So rebuilding trust is akin to restoring the feeling that you’re honorable, honest, truthful, trustworthy and safe. The other relationship has to be completely over. No repair work is going to happen if your spouse/intimate partner is not confident that the affair has stopped. This is particularly challenging when the other person is someone you regularly see at work. But if you’re going to make your spouse feel safe, you will have to do whatever s/he needs. This includes you honestly confessing, telling the whole story with as much detail as your partner asks for. Second, sincerely apologize. A sincere apology is not simply saying “I’m sorry.” A sincere apology acknowledges wrongdoing, accepts accountability for the behavior, conveys genuine sorr...

Note: This is the second of a two-part series. Have you had difficulty trusting important people in your life?  More to the point, are you wanting to trust people more than you do?  Trust your intimate partner more?  If so, complete the following sentences as thoroughly as you can, courtesy of Pat Love in the book The Truth About Love (Fireside): Concerning your intimate partner: 1. I would feel more secure in our relationship if… 2. I would trust you more if… 3. I would be willing to risk more in terms of romance if… 4. I would take more sexual risks with you if… 5. I would trust you more sexually if… 6. I would feel better about us going out socially if … 7. I would feel closer to you emotionally if… 8. I would do more projects with you if… 9. I would enjoy time with our family and friends more if… 10. The one thing that would strengthen my commitment the most is… Now, explore how you can be more trustworthy to your partner: 1. I believe you would ...

Dear Brown: When I was two months pregnant, I found out that my husband of six years had been unfaithful with at least three different women that I know of. I was going to take my son and leave him, but two days later I had a miscarriage. I felt like I really needed him emotionally, so I decided to put it in the past. I got accepted into nursing school, but then I convinced myself that I probably wouldn’t be able to keep up my grades, so I decided not to go. My husband told me that things would change, so he found another job in a different state, and we moved. We have now been in our new location for three months, and I am really unhappy. I am pregnant again, and I am paranoid that he will be unfaithful again. I sit in this apartment all day because I don’t know anyone, and I don’t work because daycare is so expensive. I constantly relive the details of his cheating. When we’re intimate, I imagine him visualizing the other women. I love him and I want our marriage to work, but...

Note: This is the second of a two-part series. Is jealousy a sign of love? Does it induce commitment? Does it teach people to not take their relationship for granted? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you’re in good company, because various researchers and marriage counselors have come to the same conclusions. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that feeling jealous—or attempting to make your mate jealous — is a desirable feeling. In fact, psychologist Ayala Pines argues in the book Romantic Jealousy that there are some profoundly negative effects of jealousy. They include: causing physical and emotional distress to you or to someone you care about; straining a relationship; driving a partner away; restricting a partner’s freedom; distorting your partner’s emotions (and your own), wasting time that could be spent more enjoyably—and the possibility that you could trigger such intense emotions that your relationship could turn violent. So jealousy is not something...

How jealous a person are you? Is jealousy a problem in your relationship? How often has jealousy been a problem in your previous relationships? Take this quiz to see how affected you are by jealous feelings. On a scale from 1 (no jealousy/no) to 7 (extreme jealousy/yes), figure out which number best fits how you would likely feel: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Your mate spends a great deal of time at a party talking with someone else. Your mate spends a great deal of time during a party dancing with someone else. During a party, your mate is flirtatious and spends a great deal of time dancing intimately and behaving provocatively with someone else. You are at a party and you briefly realize you don’t know where your mate is. You are at a party and your mate disappears for a long period of time. You call your mate and the line is busy. Your phone rings and the caller hangs up or says “wrong number.” Your mate expresses admiration of a movie or a television star. Your mate expresses...

Can You Predict Infidelity? In any given year about 10 percent of married people —12 percent of men and 7 percent of women — say they have had sex outside their marriage. The relatively low rates of annual cheating mask the far higher rate of lifetime cheating. Among people over 60, about one in four men and one in seven women admit they have ever cheated. A number of studies in both animals and humans suggest that there may be a genetic component to infidelity. While science makes a compelling case that there is some genetic component to cheating, we also know that genetics are not destiny. And until there is a rapid-gene test to determine the infidelity risk of your partner, the debate about the genetics of infidelity isn’t particularly useful to anyone. There are some personality traits known to be associated with cheating. A report in The Archives of Sexual Behavior found that two traits predicted risk for infidelity in men. Men who are easily aroused (called “propens...

Scientists revisit why people cheat and uncover some iing findings. Mutual trust is a hallmark feature of committed  romantic relationships and is often (not always) tied to confidence  that a partner is both romantically and sexually faithful. What if that trust is violated? Infidelity can wreak havoc on a relationship. As summarized in a recent review, infidelity is a leading cause for marital  divorce  and pre-marital break-ups; it can trigger domestic violence ; and it is a strong predictor of poor mental health, including  depression  and  anxiety (Fincham & May, 2017). These adverse consequences might suggest that people go to great lengths to avoid infidelity, efforts reflected in overall rates that suggest infidelity is rare. But this is not the case. By some accounts, the lifetime prevalence of infidelity is approximately 20 to 25 percent of marriages, with men and women cheat...

A perfect relationship is never one sided. When you make the effort to please your girlfriend and make her happy, she’ll involuntarily put in her effort at making you happier in love if she truly loves you back. So the next time you’re with your special girl, instead of holding back, give more. In mutual love, every loving act gives back more happiness to both lovers. For starters, use these 20 tips on how to make your girlfriend happy to pamper her and please her. And I’ll tell you this, you’ll definitely be the winner in the game of love. #1 Surprise her with memorable gifts.  Make sure you never forget your girlfriend’s special occasions, however trivial they may seem to you. And every now and then, show just how much you love her by giving her a memorable gift of love, be it a bling thing or a priceless gift like a heartfelt letter of love.  #2 Make her friends envy her.  All of us want our relationships to be perfect, but very few of us actually w...

1. Pretend Like You're OK Psychological studies have shown that acting like you're OK—doing things like smiling or staying calm—can actually help you feel better. Even though in the moment you may feel like you want to disappear, do your best to put on a brave face. At the very least, it will help you keep your dignity in front of the person who's dumping you. 2. Stay Calm. Breathe. When we are in anxiety-producing situations, our body has the tendency to tense up. This may cause you to hold your breath, which makes you feel even more tense and emotional, and so on. Even though it may seem like you're going to lose control if you breathe, let it happen. Focus on the feeling of breath coming in and out of your nose (a useful mindfulness technique), and taking deep breaths and counting them. This will help keep your feelings from spiraling out of control. 3. Respect Your Ex’s Decision Accept and respect your ex's decision. Respecting the decision ...

What can I say? You've been there for me through everything. I know we fight, but every relationship has its ups and downs. I feel so comfortable with you. It's so easy to talk to you—I feel like I can tell you anything. I'm so proud to say you’re my best friend and my boyfriend—you mean the world to me. I love you so much! I don’t even know how to tell you how much I love you. You’re the first thing I think of when I wake up and my last thought before I go to sleep. Everything I see reminds me of you and the things that we’ve shared together. Being with you has opened up my world, and I feel like I see things differently now (in a good way). I know we fight sometimes, but I just wanted to tell you, so you know for sure that I love you with everything I have. There is nothing left for anyone else. It’s just you, baby. I. Love. You. From the moment I first saw you, I knew that we were going to have something special. It was just how when we came together, we found o...

What Does Rationalization Look Like? Picture this scenario: You're walking through a national chain grocery store finishing up some shopping. You've got everything on your list but you're still wandering the aisles, seeing if anything catches your eye. You come across a display for a new soft drink flavor. You're intrigued so you grab one and open it, taking a long drink. The flavor isn't to your liking. You don't want to finish it and you also don't want to pay for it since you don't like it. Looking around you see that no one is around so, you place the open can behind some of the other non-open cans and continue down the aisle. At checkout, you don't mention the drink you opened and you don't pay for it. In your head, you think "this chain makes billions of dollars a year, one can of soda isn't going to matter at all." You know that it's wrong to not pay for an item but you didn't like it and it won't matte...

If you want to know whether someone is lying to you, check their body language. While there may be exceptions to the following tips, these are used by police and investigators: Check the eyes. If the person avoids eye contact, that's a clue that he or she may be lying. Watch the gestures and expression. If the gestures and expression don't match the verbal dialogue, that's another sign. Example: "I like you," while frowning. A guilty person will get defensive. Using humor or sarcasm is another sign of lying. Touching the nose often can be a sign of lying. Covering the mouth indicates deceit. Be aware of eye movement. The eyes move to the left during a lie. Watch out for body movement. When a person tells the truth they tend to lean forward. When they tell a lie they tend to lean backward. Watch hand, arm, and leg movements. When lying, these body movements are stiff and restricted. Pay attention to too many details given. Liars tend to go o...

Women  love to be loved and held and we assume that every man that comes along will treat us like a princess and shower us with romance and undying love and affection. Why not? However, men don't think about things the way that women do. Some will hold your hand in public, while others wouldn't dare to. There are also claustrophobic people who will avoid holding you all night because they feel trapped. It's not because of you, but because of their "space" issues. For other men, it's because they were not brought up to be affectionate, so they do not understand women and what they need. Whatever the reason, it's important for you to understand what's behind your partner's behavior so you can both learn how to better meet the needs of the other person in the relationship. In this article, I'll go over five of the main reasons why your boyfriend or husband might not be showing you affection. Five Reasons He Might Not Be Affection...